First, let me admit that I am sacrificing a great deal for my art as a writer right now, as I know that after defending the bitch from Fatal Attraction, I will probably never get married. Ever.
So here’s the thing, whether or not you want to admit it, and whether you boiled a bunny or not, we have all had our turn at being the rejected psycho bitch, and dare I say the other woman. Admit it, bask in it, own it, move on. This being said, I think I have begun to understand the Alex psyche. I think I’ve begun to comprehend how a well-dressed woman at a work party can morph into a psycho with a knife crying and screaming and not even drunk to do any of the above.
If we lay out the plot of Fatal Attraction, it is as follows--
- Michael Douglas is oddly attractive with his post-wisdom-teeth-surgery-esque cheeks, and he lives in a nice New York apartment in sharp suits with an adorable gender-ambiguous child and a perfect brunette wife.
- Michael Douglas goes to a work party and meets Glenn Close (Alex) looking hot AF with her crazy wild mane and steely “come hither” stares. He totes doesn’t get that the crazy eyes do not only hold the craziness of her style in the sack, but also like, in general. As in, “DANIEL, I WILL NOT BE IGNORED.” Mic Drop.
- They go to lunch and have uncomfortable sexual chemistry and they’re both totally okay with it.
- They have sex. Passionate, amazing sex.
- They run in a park and make uncomfortable jokes about whether Alex’s dad is still alive or not, and Daniel fakes a heart attack because that’s hilarious (said no one ever).
- He’s no longer into it.
- She goes crazy.
Now I haven’t lived this exact storyline, but I have been on the side of things where I fall in love with feeling in love and adored, and when that’s pulled out from under you, or you feel you’ve been teased, it can in fact be maddening. Also steamy faucet sex can indeed be quite rare, and thus quite addicting when you find it.
**Sidenote: Is it just me or were all boobs in the 80s perkier and all ribcages smaller? This is a legitimate question, and please contact me with any scientific findings.**
There’s no doubt that there are a myriad of stories about the Michael Douglas character; a successful, studly guy who pursues an infidelity because like, why not and big bad men and feminism and such as. However, I think Fatal Attraction really pushes the envelope as far as taking sides goes. By the end, you feel so bad for Michael Douglas and his meandering pecker. You’re like “Aw Michael. I get it. That sucks. And your perfect wife is going to hate you forever.” But here’s where I defend our girl Glenn.
First, Glenn (her character’s name is Alex, but I like talking about the actors like they are my real ~fRiEnDz~) is a single lady. She shows up to this work party in her most fab outfit, and finds a guy that she is attracted to. BAM! This first part in it of itself is DIFFICULT. How hard is it to find a guy that really makes your downstairs tingle? Hard. No easy task. If it were easy, how would the dating app industry even exist nowadays? It banks on there being so many ineligible single people out there that you will mindlessly swipe until the world ends or Isis kills us all. So, she finds this guy she’s actually into, and they have mad sexual chemistry. She’s not friends with the wife, she’s a single lady, and she has nothing to lose. DUH she’s going to do it! And then the sex is amazing. Well, fuck. ANOTHER extremely hard thing to find. Everyone wants to get laid, but so few speak your body’s language, so when you find a good bed buddy, you will fight like hell to keep them between your sheets. Point number three is that the second Michael knew she was into it, he backed off. It was “too serious”. She “wanted too much”. She “didn’t understand his needs or his family.” He was a TOTAL TEASE AND DOUCHE. I’m not arguing that boiling rabbits or self-mutilation or attempted murder is the way to deal with feeling this kind of betrayal, but don’t for one minute tell me you haven’t wanted to key some dude’s car for being a garbage person to you. It is real, and no one is judging. And if we’re going to take it further, how many times have you been downright furious to discover that the man you like (maybe even love) has rejected you for some pleasant, simple girl who probably teaches kindergarten and makes a killer lasagna? Alex is the kind of girl who orders in Chinese and eats it with her robe haphazardly tied, showing playful side nipple. The Wife is the kind of lady who toils over lasagna and spends Friday night with tea and Jane Austen. Sigh. I need not express which of these women speaks to me more on a personal level.
What Fatal Attraction does is take a common occurrence and blow it up to larger-than-life proportions, and while we indulge in making fun of how Alex’s hair gets more frizzy as her psycho-flag flies high, we can (or should) agree that the feelings in this situation are raw, real and honest. We can also touch on how mental illness shouldn’t be bastardized by making a villain out of a truly sick person, but honestly I’m kind of drunk from last night and that’s just a lot. So next time you meet the Michael Douglas, know that these guys are lurking around pretending to be good but are actual emotional terrorists and heartbreakers. Spare yourself the heartache and turmoil of stalking a family and trying to murder them, and avoid the red flags instead of chasing after them—passion, drama and faucet sex be damned.